Computers, Work, Etc....

Pro'-gram - 1) n. A magical spell cast over a computer which transforms user input into error messages. 2) vt. An activity similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with less opportunity for reward.

Ten Signs You are an Internet Geek

1. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
2. You no longer ask perspective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
3. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
4. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
5. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
6. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
7. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".
8. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
9. After winning the office Super Bowl pool, you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parenthesis!"
10. Two words: "Pizza's Here!"

Can you tell the difference?                                       

                                                                   

---------------------------      ---------------------------       

Drug dealers                     Software developers               

---------------------------      ---------------------------       

                                                                   

Refer to their clients           Refer to their clients            

as "users".                      as "users".                       

                                                                   

"The first one's free!"          "Download a free trial version..."

                                                                   

Have important South-East        Have important South-East         

Asian connections                Asian connections                 

(to help move the stuff).        (to help debug the code).         

                                                                   

Strange jargon:                  Strange jargon:                   

"Stick," "Rock,"                 "SCSI," "RTFM,"                   

"Dime bag," "E".                 "Java," "ISDN".                   

                                                                   

Realize that there's             Realize that there's              

tons of cash in the              tons of cash in the               

14- to 25-year-old               14- to 25-year-old                   

market.                          market.                              

                                                                      

Job is assisted by the           Job is assisted by                   

industry's producing             industry's producing                 

newer, more potent mixes.        newer, faster machines.              

                                                                      

Often seen in the company        Often seen in the company of         

of pimps and hustlers.           marketing people and venture         

                                 capitalists.                         

                                                                      

Their product causes             DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. 

unhealthy addictions.            'Nuff said.                          

                                                                      

Do your job well, and            Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!                  

you can sleep with                                                    

sexy movie stars who                                                  

depend on you.                                                        

If Microsoft were based in Alabama instead of Washington...

1. Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders".
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right", "Naw", or "Git" instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel".
5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"and "War Eagle".
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be "Sweet Home Alabama" followed by an introduction from Hank Williams Senior), Elvis Presley, and Paul "Bear" Bryant.
9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt".
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic"and "Vishul D-"
11. Winders 95 Logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag.
12. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
13. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
14. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.
15. "Well, the first thing you know ole Bill's a billionaire...".
16. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
17. Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.
18. Direct link to the WWW (World Wide Wrestling) Home Page.
19. "Where's Waldo?" would be replaced with "Where's Elvis?"

Prison vs. Work

                                                                         

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.         

AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle                   

                                                                         

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.                                   

AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.  

                                                                         

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.                          

AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.             

                                                                         

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.             

AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all  

          the doors yourself                                             

                                                                         

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.                             

AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games                

                                                                         

IN PRISON...you get your own toliet.                                     

AT WORK...you have to share                                            

                                                                      

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.              

AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends            

                                                                      

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. 

AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they 

          deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.         

                                                                      

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the 

            inside wanting to get out.                                

AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside

          bars.                                                       

                                                                      

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.                 

AT WORK...they are called managers.                                   

                                                                                                                 

MicroSoft (sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)

                                             

Nine-tenths of a gig,                        

Biggest ever seen,                           

God, this programs big,                      

MS Word 15.                                  

Comes on ten CDs,                            

And requires - damn!                         

Word is fine, but jeez,                      

60 meg of ram?!                              

                                             

Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft,                    

Bloatware all the way!                       

I've sat here installing Word,               

Since breakfast yesterday!                   

Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft,                    

Moderation, please.                          

Guess you hadn't noticed;                    

Four-gig drives don't grow on trees.         

Actual quotes from Federal employee performance evaluations:

• "Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
• "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
• "I would not allow this employee to breed."
• "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
• "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
• "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
• "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
• "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
• "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
• "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
• "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

Page last updated on: 6/1/99