Auburn Jokes

What's the difference between an 2 awbs in a pickup and a Hoover vacuum cleaner?
The Hoover has only 1 dirt bag inside!

What do you call an awbie with half a brain?

What do you call 10 awbs standing ear to ear?
A Wind Tunnel.

What do you do if an awb throws you a grenade?
Pull the pin and throw it back.

What's the difference between an awb and a bag of manure?
The bag.

A building contractor was speaking with a woman about her paint selection. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room, she told the contractor that she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The contractor wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it up and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady finally asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply, "but across the street I have an auburn crew laying sod."

A guy bought a new Mercedes, drove off the lot, turned on the radio and nothing happened. Mad, he turned the car around, went back to the dealer and said, "When I buy a $50,000 dollar car I expect the radio to work." The dealer explained to him that the radio had been programmed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio what he wanted to hear. Pretty neat stuff.

He got back into the car and said "Country music," and old Willie started singing. "Rock and roll," he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started crooning. "Easy listening," he remarked, and all at once it sounded like he was in an elevator. He was relaxed, driving down the road listening to smooth sounds when a pickup truck with two good ole boys almost ran him off the road. "Stupid rednecks!" he screamed, and the radio immediately blurted out, "Touchdooooooooown auuuuubuuuuuurnnnnn!!!!"

Common Phrases Describing Auburn Folk

The Auburn Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an aubie couple decided that that was enough. They could not afford a larger double-wide. So, the husband went to his Bama grad doctor and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (small fireworks), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The aubie said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So, the couple drove to get a second opinion.

The second Bama doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy when he realized how truly backwards these aubies were. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

To the tune of Frosty the Snowman:

I'm Tommy the Tiger

I'm as slick as I can be

With an Auburn cap

And an Auburn job

And a checkered history.

I'm Tommy the Tiger

Looking out for good 'ol me

So I sidestep left

And I sidestep right

And I tell a lie or three.

I said I wouldn't leave Ole Miss

A Rebel 'till I die

Then I saw the pile of Auburn cash

And, my, that pile was high!

I'm Tommy the Tiger

And it's here I'll stand and fight

I'll leave this place in an old pine box

Or in case the money's right.

(Geoff Calkins, The Commercial Appeal)

You know you are from Auburn if . . .

If you have a car containing an Auburn wide receiver, linebacker, and a defensive back, who is driving the car?
A cop.

Top Ten Courses at Auburn

  1. Philosophy: Why Don't They Spell It with an "F"?
  2. Prelaw Seminar: Age of Consent in 50 States
  3. Sandwich Making: A Project Course
  4. Hand-Shadow Workshop
  5. Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Friend
  6. Cliff's Notes vs. Monarch Notes: 2 Views of the Classics
  7. Hydraulic Principles of the Keg
  8. The College Classroom: A Simulation
  9. ABC's: An Extended Version
  10. Your Butt from a Hole in the Ground: A Comparative Study

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm smile and a handshake, gave him a broom and said, "your first job is to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a graduate of awbun university!," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom......... I'll show you how."

Page last updated on: 8/24/99