Computers, Work, Etc....
Pro'-gram - 1) n. A magical spell cast over a computer which transforms
user input into error messages. 2) vt. An activity similar to banging
one's head against a wall, but with less opportunity for reward.
Ten Signs You are an Internet Geek
- When filling out your driver's license application you give your
- You no longer ask perspective dates what their sign is, instead
your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
- Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
- You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
- You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find
out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to
- You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free
- You introduce your wife as "my email@example.com" and refer to your
children as "client applications".
- At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain
- After winning the office Super Bowl pool, you blurt out,
"I feel so colon-right parenthesis!"
- Two words: "Pizza's Here!"
Can you tell the difference?
Drug dealers Software developers
Refer to their clients Refer to their clients
as "users". as "users".
"The first one's free!" "Download a free trial version..."
Have important South-East Have important South-East
Asian connections Asian connections
(to help move the stuff). (to help debug the code).
Strange jargon: Strange jargon:
"Stick," "Rock," "SCSI," "RTFM,"
"Dime bag," "E". "Java," "ISDN".
Realize that there's Realize that there's
tons of cash in the tons of cash in the
14- to 25-year-old 14- to 25-year-old
Job is assisted by the Job is assisted by
industry's producing industry's producing
newer, more potent mixes. newer, faster machines.
Often seen in the company Often seen in the company of
of pimps and hustlers. marketing people and venture
Their product causes DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D.
unhealthy addictions. 'Nuff said.
Do your job well, and Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
you can sleep with
sexy movie stars who
depend on you.
If Microsoft were based in Alabama instead of Washington...
- Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders".
- Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
- Occasionally you'd bring up a winder that was covered with a
Hefty bag and some duct tape.
- Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right", "Naw", or
"Git" instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel".
- Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.
- The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.
- Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized
drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"and "War Eagle".
- Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be
"Sweet Home Alabama" followed by an introduction from Hank Williams
Senior), Elvis Presley, and Paul "Bear" Bryant.
- PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt".
- Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic"and "Vishul D-"
- Winders 95 Logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag.
- Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
- Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
- Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.
- "Well, the first thing you know ole Bill's a billionaire...".
- Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
- Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.
- Direct link to the WWW (World Wide Wrestling) Home Page.
- "Where's Waldo?" would be replaced with "Where's Elvis?"
Prison vs. Work
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all
the doors yourself
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games
IN PRISON...you get your own toliet.
AT WORK...you have to share
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
MicroSoft (sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Nine-tenths of a gig,
Biggest ever seen,
God, this programs big,
MS Word 15.
Comes on ten CDs,
And requires - damn!
Word is fine, but jeez,
60 meg of ram?!
Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft,
Bloatware all the way!
I've sat here installing Word,
Since breakfast yesterday!
Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft,
Guess you hadn't noticed;
Four-gig drives don't grow on trees.
Actual quotes from Federal employee performance evaluations:
- "Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started
- "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
- "I would not allow this employee to breed."
- "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."
- "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
a rat in a trap."
- "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there."
- "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
- "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
- "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them."
- "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the
- "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
Page last updated on: 6/1/99